two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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