guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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