she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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