Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
