I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
