literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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