Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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