i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
