I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
