I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
