I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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