Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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