Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
