Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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