I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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