the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
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my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
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I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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