I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
