Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
