I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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