he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
