I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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