in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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