i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
