Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
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I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
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I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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