girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
