please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
