Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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