I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize