he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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