Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
