My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
