you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
