Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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