Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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