my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
