xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
