the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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