tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
