Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
