Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
