I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
That accounts for only three of the penises
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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