I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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