She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
