my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
