You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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