Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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