my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
