I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
