My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
