You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
