am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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