you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
