Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
