i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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