RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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