TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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