I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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