There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
