My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
