did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
