I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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